tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central October 29, 2012 10:30am-11:00am PDT
[cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] happy wednesday. folks, let's get straight to it. we have no time to waste here because -- folks, huge news. we're always looking to bring you the biggest election story. and rumors started monday about a game-changing october surprise. >> donald trump now claims to have a bombshell announcement about president obama. >> a major announcement from donald trump coming today, and why it might change your vote in the presidential election. >> i have something very very big. it's very big. bigger than anyone would know.
it's going to be very big, i know one thing-- you will cover it in a very big fashion. >> stephen: yes, board up your windows, stock up on canned meats --this will be the biggest, classiest, most devastating election game-changer in the human history of time. okay? think teapot dome, only the teapot is encrusted with gold and we're using diamond tea bags. [ laughter ] the speculation was rampant. was it the long-rumored obama divorce papers? proof that obama's white half is also black? [ laughter ] no, even bigger. trump dropped a ten-mega-trump bombshell. >> if barack obama opens up and gives his college records and applications; and if he gives his passport applications and records; i will give to a
charity of his choice-- inner city children in chicago, american cancer society, aids research, anything he wants-- a check, immediately, for five million dollars. one caveat: the records must be given by october 31st at 5:00 in the afternoon. >> stephen: that's right. he has to have it by 5:00 on halloween. [ laughter ] because that night he's renting out his enormous orange head as a jack-o-lantern. [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] folks, with donald trump, it's not about him. it's about helping. >> frankly, it's a check that i very much want to write. mr. president, not only will i be happy, and by the way totally satisfied, but the american people will be happy and you know what? those charities will be very happy.
>> stephen: nation, i am so moved by this generous offer that i have an offer of my own. right over here. mr. trump, i will write you a check for one million dollars from colbert super pac-- you know i've got it-- to the charity of your choice. anything: save the children, feed the children, put the children on child apprentice, whatever. one million dollars -- if you will let me dip my balls in your mouth. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] but this dipping has to be to -- and i hope you are listening carefully mr. trump, this dipping has to be to my and more
importantly my balls' satisfaction. okay? [ laughter ] one caveat: my balls must be in your mouth by no later than 5:00 p.m. october 31st. okay? [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] my balls have a thing that night. [ laughter ] nothing would make me happier than to write this check. and nothing would make america happier than to have something going into your mouth instead of something coming out. [cheers and applause] let's do this for the kids. but there's an issue in this election even bigger than donald trump. it's libya. you see, on september 11, the american consulate in benghazi was attacked. four americans including our ambassador were killed. following this tragedy president obama announced an investigation
and promised to bring those responsible to justice. but it appeared that the administration was witholding information to avoid being blamed for a terrorist attack on their watch right before the election. this has left some troubling questions. questions that fox news has not been afraid to ask 24 hours a day for the last six weeks. >> who is to blame for this? >> what happened with the intelligence? >> what went wrong, why was the intelligence not recognized and acted upon? >> special report. who did this and how? should our government have seen it come something in did president obama try to hide the truth? is this a huge scandal that exposes a failed obama foreign policy? or is mitt romney just saying it is? >> stephen: why didn't our consulate have more security? why was the intelligence so slow to come out?
and more importantly, if you put a statement in the form of a question, is it journalism? [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] so why did the administration imply these attacks were incited by a youtube video that insults the prophet mohammed? would anyone else like to chime in? >> why, why would he -- he and his administration -- speak repeatedly about that little video and with such authority and certainty? >> why would they come up with the video? >> are we really going to blame a video? [ laughter ] >> stephen: how could a video possibly incite violence? jimmy, why don't we watch it? ♪ >> stephen: why has my network forbidden me to show that video? did obama get to them? [ laughter ] or is there some other question i should be asking? [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> did the president, did his team, call this an act of terror from the start? why do you think they have such trouble saying that?
>> does the obama administration have a problem callling it terror? >> >> stephen: why didn't they call it terror right away? and don't you miss the bush administration, when we knew exactly how afraid to be thanks to a color-coded scale that changed based on threats they often wouldn't explain? hey, what's that noise? did you hear something? don't you feel safer now that i've told you there might be something to be afraid of? or are we not scared enough of terror because president obama might not be telling us enough to be terrified about? did i have time to wash my hands just now? it didn't seem like it, did it? speaking of filth, are there more heinous assertions we could be pulling out of our ass? >> here's the other question. and there are so many other questions we need to ask -- did we trade off-- and i have no
evidence of this-- did we trade off the life of our ambassador and three other americans for that crowd? -- were these people expendable as part of a mideast foreign policy? >> stephen: while we're throwing around accusations with no evidence, what was president obama's role in 9/11? what was his role in lance armstrong's doping scandal? [ laughter ] even more troubling, why does peter johnson, jr., have a name that's three euphemisms for penis? [ laughter ] and could this just be a complicated and tragic situation that the obama administration wants to put the best possible face on for political reasons, and that the romney campaign wants to put the worst possible face on for their own political reasons? and is there anything wrong with that? and is there anything more to say about this story, or are we on a metaphorical treadmill? [ laughter ] and is that bad for our metaphorical knees? should we be using a metaphorical elliptical? [ laughter ]
[cheers and applause] welcome back. the presidential debates may be over, but i still need my fix. so i was glued to last night's indiana senate debate between pro-life democrat joe donnelly and even pro-er lifer republican richard moooouuuuurdock. [lightning] sorry, not sure why, but that happens sometimes when i say moooouuuurdock. [lightning] [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] now in the debate last night, one moment kinda stuck out. here's mourdock when questioned on abortion. >> i struggled with myself for a long time but i came to realize life is that gift from god, even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, it is something that god intended to happen. [audience reacts]
>> stephen: okay, let me just update the "days without a gop rape mention" board. [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] [ laughter ] now mourdock's comments upset many hoosiers and also possibly god. it really makes him look like a terrible gift giver. i will say, god, next time you're stumped with picking out a good gift for the ladies, just go with an edible arrangement. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] and mourdock is not the first member of the gop to drop the r word. first, we had missouri senate candidate todd akin who said "legitimate" rape victims couldn't get pregnant because the female body has ways of shutting that whole thing down. then there was iowa representative and angry dinner roll steve king who said he's never heard of a girl getting pregnant from statutory rape.
pennsylvania senate candidate tom smith equated rape with out of wedlock pregnancy. and wisconsin state representative roger rivard who offered the sage advice that some girls, they rape so easy. [ laughter ] what can you say? some political careers, they end so quickly. [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] and now there's mourdock. together i like to call these guys "team rape" which they probably wouldn't appreciate, but come on -- they're kind of asking for it. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] now we've got an important election coming up, so i just want to address my fellow conservatives who are running for office. fellas, you may not be aware of this, but in 1920 women got the
right to vote, and since then, among likely voters rape's approval rating has plummeted. [ laughter ] i just want to give you a little vice on how to handle yourself if the middle of the debate debate or while casually talking to reporters, you feel yourself about to share your views on rape, i want you-- and this is important, so go grab a pencil-- if you're about to talk about rape, i want you to stab yourself in the eye with your pencil. [ laughter ] okay? really jam it in there. work it around back and forth up in your skull cavity, okay? see if you can sever the portion of your brain that stores the word rape. and don't stop until your urge to appeal to voters by talking about rape has passed. sadly, it's too late for richard mourdock. these comments have left his campaign in shambles. but you know what?
thank you so much for joininging me. circumstance you've written extensively on ancient rome. you wrote the book cicero, augustous, and your new book is called "the rise of rome, the making of the world's greatest empire." why is the rome the world's greatest empire? aren't we the greatest empire right now? >> you are on the way. you are the new one. >> stephen: thank you. that's a compliment. is that a compliment? >> well, it might be a compliment. the romans were tiresome people? >> stephen: tiresome? >> they were brutal. they weren't very cultured. they knew they didn't have a culture so they went to greece. >> stephen: we took your culture when we stole harry potter from you guys.
>> yes. [ laughter ] >> stephen: you guys are greece to our rome. >> i haven'ting for given you for that. >> stephen: empires don't care. you used to have an empire. >> we had it for 10 minutes. you've hit for five minutes. the roamentans had it for 1,000 years. >> stephen: what did they do right? >> when they went and beat somebody up and defeated them they said, right. that's over. we've won. come and join us. join in the enterprise. you can become citizens. you can have a share of booty but we go on for the next war. every time they had a victory, they produced more and more people, got them on to their side and so the roman empire was actually full of stakeholders, people for whom it was beneficial to have the empire. >> stephen: you make that sound kind of warm and fuzzy but
thsh -- >> the jews got very cross. >> stephen: the jews often get cross. but they are a tough people. >> i know. >> stephen: what did the jews do? >> they revolted because they refused to worship the emperor. >> stephen: didn't have the romans have a way -- they with go into some place, -- if somebody in a village killed like a roman soldier, wouldn't they go in and crucify everybody in the village. >> they would, indeed. >> stephen: and they invite the next village over and go you want this or do you want a road? >> that's exactly what they did. >> stephen: i love that movie. it's a documentary? [ laughter ] >> if you refused to join in, if you refused to become proper roman citizens and join in the next invasion of the next group of people if you didn't do that, there was real trouble steencht who was your favorite crazy
roman emperor. i'll start alagabalis. >> he was in the public laugh tory. >> stephen: he mayor yud a virgin, worshiped a meteorite and he would smother dinner guests in -- >> my favorite is the first one. he set the scene. julius caesar. he wasn't only a politician and genius he was a very good writer. yes. >> stephen: thank you very much. [cheers and applause] dog-o doggery. >> thank you very much. not at all. caesar is my favorite because he wasn't just a marble statue in a musical. he's very much flesh and blood. >> stephen: he got it on with
cleopatra. >> he enjoyed sex. he liked sharing wifes with his friends. >> stephen: he would have sex with the wives of his opponents? >> he did, yeah. that's how he learned their plans. >> stephen: he was a casanova. >> and when he was a young guy he was screwed rather than doing the scrooge by the king. >> stephen: the king had sex with him. >> he was screwed into the ground of marble floor of palace? >> stephen: are you saying? he was bugger as a young man by the king of sardinia? >> i didn'tcy that i said bissinia. >> stephen: i thought you had a lisp. they were a superpower. >> they weren't to begin with.
as cato the elder said -- just checking. >> stephen: of course, okay. how long did rome last? >> depends on how you start and finish. rome was founded in 753 b.c. or thereabouts fusm include the eastern half half of empire, they called themselves romans that was 1400 and something when the muslims -- >> stephen: you are an historian -- >> i like being vague about dates. >> stephen: i understand. i wish you had been my teacher in high school. [ laughter ] thank you so much. thank you so much anthony everitt, "the rise of rome." we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]